I dont have a "mommy"

Around the age of 16, when most teens tend to rebel, I indulged in a lil rebellion of my own. Being a single mother my mom did the best she could. She pulled on family friends to aid her in her distress but being a strong willed il-directed(if thats a word) teen I defied her and the friends. I had my 1st child at 17 and started my own journey in life.

I dont know if I triggered the change or if I just never noticed it before but I slowly realized that my mother and I were very different and I didnt like a lot of what she had to say or what she stood for. She didnt do drugs, abuse alcohol or her children and she wasnt a whore but we just didnt "click". Our relationship was strained at best but after a few years I calmed down, grew up and attempted to accept her as she was/is.

It took some time but I believed I was doing well interacting with her. Fast forward 10-13 years and past more fighting and bickering with her, past my engagement, marriage to and child with my husband and life has continued to be challenging with her. I dont remember the last time I wanted to HUG my mother or CONFIDE in my mother as other daughters (including my own) would. The sad truth is I dont like my mother. I love her because she is my mother, because at one point in my life she was my rock. I respect her for those same facts but there are just many small things that keep me from LIKING my mother.

It saddens me at times that we dont have that. But I feel I have tried my best and maybe my mother feels she has tried her best, but those efforts have not been good enough to make a difference. We are now at a place in our relationship where I have told her to keep at a distance. We can interact at family functions and have civil conversation but do not ask me to go deeper than that because I do not want what comes with it. The fighting and name calling and disrespect and verbal bashing that comes along with a deeper relationship with her is undesirable.

I'm sure that as a mother it hurts her to know that I dont want a connection with her and I dont want her involved with my personal life. I pray that my daughter and I will NEVER deal with that pain. And maybe one day when my mother is older we can over come this current obstacle in our lives. I dont know if that is a possibility. The current depth of relationship is working just fine for me. Seeing her infrequently and cordial conversations is enough that I can enjoy the brief moments and avoid turmoil.

Maybe this will aid us both in learning how to interact with each other better...in the mean time, I have no "mommy"