I dont have a "mommy"

Around the age of 16, when most teens tend to rebel, I indulged in a lil rebellion of my own. Being a single mother my mom did the best she could. She pulled on family friends to aid her in her distress but being a strong willed il-directed(if thats a word) teen I defied her and the friends. I had my 1st child at 17 and started my own journey in life.

I dont know if I triggered the change or if I just never noticed it before but I slowly realized that my mother and I were very different and I didnt like a lot of what she had to say or what she stood for. She didnt do drugs, abuse alcohol or her children and she wasnt a whore but we just didnt "click". Our relationship was strained at best but after a few years I calmed down, grew up and attempted to accept her as she was/is.

It took some time but I believed I was doing well interacting with her. Fast forward 10-13 years and past more fighting and bickering with her, past my engagement, marriage to and child with my husband and life has continued to be challenging with her. I dont remember the last time I wanted to HUG my mother or CONFIDE in my mother as other daughters (including my own) would. The sad truth is I dont like my mother. I love her because she is my mother, because at one point in my life she was my rock. I respect her for those same facts but there are just many small things that keep me from LIKING my mother.

It saddens me at times that we dont have that. But I feel I have tried my best and maybe my mother feels she has tried her best, but those efforts have not been good enough to make a difference. We are now at a place in our relationship where I have told her to keep at a distance. We can interact at family functions and have civil conversation but do not ask me to go deeper than that because I do not want what comes with it. The fighting and name calling and disrespect and verbal bashing that comes along with a deeper relationship with her is undesirable.

I'm sure that as a mother it hurts her to know that I dont want a connection with her and I dont want her involved with my personal life. I pray that my daughter and I will NEVER deal with that pain. And maybe one day when my mother is older we can over come this current obstacle in our lives. I dont know if that is a possibility. The current depth of relationship is working just fine for me. Seeing her infrequently and cordial conversations is enough that I can enjoy the brief moments and avoid turmoil.

Maybe this will aid us both in learning how to interact with each other better...in the mean time, I have no "mommy"

I am a super average woman

This month I have blogged more than ever before! I'm back on my writing kick...although, can you call it "writing" when you're typing? None the less I am enjoying expressing myself thru word. (How's that?! lol) I have a few things to share today before I move on to the Love Challange...



Its been 22 hours since Piglet and I used the nipple shield! I am SO excited!My Wonderful Husband came to see me at work yesterday and brought Piglet. I'll never give up a chance to nurse....well when I'm awake that is ;) so when Piglet started getting hungry I asked WH if he brought the shield, which he did not. But I thought "why not give it a try, before giving him the bottle?" and surprise surprise, Piglet latched on like a old pro and had no problems "eating lunch"! I cant tell you how nice it was to have that experiance with nothing between us. God bless the person who came up with the nipple shield but nothing beats the real, flesh and blood, connection of mother and child.



My Mother's Day was alright, I recived lovely gifts, ate cake and enjoyed my kids. Mr Wonderful (as he'll be refered to from here on out, much easier) said he felt bad for not being home so he'd make it up to me this coming Saturday. Only to find out that he'll be working, again. Not thrilled about that. While he worked all weekend I was a nice wife and didnt make him get up with the baby, than on little sleep got up to go to work Monday.

I'm playing hooky today. I stayed home with Piglet in hopes that I could catch some Zzzz's. However Piglet has been fighting his sleep and is currently watching the nautical animals on his mobile and "asking" them why they arent moving. He's been up for a little more than 4hrs now and if he doesnt nap soon I wont be able to nap because Monkey Face will be home from school. But I checked in at work and there isnt anything for me to do so I'm not missing much (but payment!)....

from my lips to God's ears. Piglet has fallen asleep. I'm about to hit the sack!