"Normal"

When I was in middle school IF, and thats a big "if", I brought friends to my home I made sure they were solid friends, friends that no matter what wouldnt be scared away and would stick by my side. Because once they walked into my home I had to prep them on how to behave, speak and even where to walk or sit in order not to trigger my mother's embarrassing behavior. She would have out bursts or "flip" for anything and I didnt want that scene when my friends were around. Sadly, my baby sister still has to do that...almost 15yrs later.

As I grew older, into high school, I learned to lean on those friends. I learned to love and cherish my friends fiercely because they represented some sort of "normal" peace. Even if their life was "crap" (like parents smoking weed while preparing dinner for the family, while the kids drank beer) it was better then me dealing with home because at least people were happy and I didnt have to walk on egg shells.

I eventually taught myself (and some of my friends) how to behave in a way that manipulated my mother into being the type of mom I thought of as normal. If I said things or did things a certain way she would act "normal" and I could enjoy a social life which at times included my mother. I loved my mother and I desired a relationship from her but for whatever reason it wasnt there.

So when I got older and tried to rely on my mom I soon realized 1) she was my crutch (as usually develops in dysfunctional relationships) and 2) unlike what I thought was "normal", every assistance came with a price. After high school my friends became more my family then my actual family. Thankfully I have developed a better relationship with my siblings but I still dont have one with my mother.

I have gone from fighting my mom to trying my damndest to have a relationship with her (which entailed alot of bottling of emotions and thoughts), to almost having that relationship to calling the cops on my mom. We are now at a place where I am done. I am done trying to manipulate my mother into being "normal", I am done walking on egg shells, I am done trying to have a relationship. Our relationship is distant, I keep her at arms length, she cant get in: in my life, in my kids life, in my work, in my marriage. If she stays out then I stay out of her life all while occasionally enjoying brief, civil conversation about our mutual love: my children.

But why is it that NOW after all those years of me trying and explaining and arguing that NOW she wants to ask me for a relationship?! Why after all those years of calling me names, hurting me physically and emotionally and basically dropping me on my face to fend for myself when I had no way of doing so(as she did with all my other siblings, currently my poor baby sister)...why now does she think I would give her that?!

I felt bad for years that I wasnt being a "good Christian", I felt like it wasnt right of me to "turn my back on her" I HAD to be the good daughter and suck it up so she could be happy. But I realized that separating myself is not a "bad" thing. I am putting myself in a better position to offer the love of Christ...just not the way she wants it because I'm done.