Stuck in the middle

I'm not sure how many people follow my blog...matter fact, I'm not sure ANY ONE follows my blog. But here goes....


Monkey face and I have been dying to get back home for some time and now I'm worried we'll have to resign ourselves to staying in TX. I want to cry when I think of it. We made an agreement but I really think its bull shit puckey and wanna break it. Here I am mother of two, wife to one Wonderful Husband, sister, daughter, sister in law, aunt....I'm stuck with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel its in the best interest for my children to be home in FL. Home with their extended family to provied vital love, support and spoil sessions. I feel its important for a healthy child to be raised in a friendly environment. I feel I have more and more reasons that my WH COULD move to FL and still do his thing. And yet, he doesnt want to budge. And here I am, missing everyone, wanting to return home and dont feel I can.

I came to visit FL for a few days, a very unplanned, jetsetter mentality got me and the kids (still weird to say) on a plane and in FL for the weekend. Which was good cause WH and I have been on the outs and I needed a break from him. I was kinda hoping, in the back of my mind, that visiting would make me less homesick and I could stop "nagging" him about our agreement and just live and let live until Dec. But now, I feel more than ever, a strong need to get the hell out of TX. My mother is even trying to tell me to just leave, WH would HAVE to follow. But that doesnt sound like a wonderful plan. Everyone here keeps telling me, over and over and over, how I need to be home, I need to do it soon, I NEED to do this and that. I dont NEED to do anything, I desire to do many things but I am a married woman and I need to consider, if not sucome(sp) to my husbands desires. Which sucks ass butt. Being a Christian woman I have to let my husband be the head of the household. Being an imperfect woman I think to myself "I'm the bread winner, I take care of the home, I am the spiritual leader, I can make the choices alone"...Oh how I wish it were that easy.

He likes the swing!

Thank goodness! Piglet hasnt been content unless he was being held. And as you know, cooking, showering and sleeping are kinda difficult to do while holding a baby....I wont be sleeping while he's in the swing unless WH is home BUT knowing that he wont cry if I put him down in the swing is a big relife!

BTW I put the swing together ALL BY MYSELF! Boo-ya baby! ;)

PeanutShell

A wonderful invention that has saved our lives.....


This is how we stay sane most days. Its a blessing and a curse, with it I can move around the house and get things done while keeping Piglet happy and sleeping. BUT I can not shower or cook while wearing him and using the restroom is a lil difficult to.

Quite, boring Easter

My WH was away all weekend. I took the kids to an egg hunt, Noah's 1st, by myself, on Saturday. Than I took them to church Saturday night, by myself. It didnt really bother me that I did those things alone. I missed having him around but I wasnt upset he missed them. Thats the life of a musician's wife. They usually have to work on holidays which levaes me alone with the kids. One more reason I wanna be home, at least if I was in FL I'd have gone to the events instead of sitting at home alone.

It started buggin me when my family, in FL, had a BBQ Sat with the lovely weather. And it bugged me more when my family went to church together and we werent there. I'm hopeful that we'll be there next year. I told my mother that by God's grace she'll have three grandkids to hide eggs for next year. That'll be awesome! I keep praying, although I feel sorta bad. I mean, what if my begging to move back home ruins my WH's chance at "making it big"?......Than that'll be God's plan. I truly chase after God's heart. Something I read earlier today really hit home "I'm not a religious person. I dont follow a religion, I follow Christ. I dont have rituals or special laws to follow...." I sorta paraphrased but that was the gist. So I belive that if I chase after God's heart, for myself and my family, even though I sin and I am a very imperfect person, God's heart will be shown to me. So I have faith that we'll continue to be blessed and provided for.

Yes, I love that man of mine

Idk why BeetleJuice just jumped in my head, but theres a qoute of the day for ya.

Like all relations and marriages, my WH and I go thru good and bad times. But thats why its in the vows, you're told ahead of time that there WILL be good and bad, better and worse, sickness and health. And you're given ONE LAST chance to change your mind. No matter how infuriating my WH gets, I will never change my mind. I may doubt his judgement or reasoning. I may want to choke him for inconsiderate remarks or behaviors. But when It comes down to it, my WH is my very best friend. He loves me unconditionally and I him. I wouldnt change ONE thing about him...ok so there are some things I have to pray about for God to change, but thats apart of who he is and I accept that. Since the birth of our son my WH has been SO, well, wonderful! He's been super helpful and super understanding. I dont think he full knows how much I appreciate him and all he does. He's away on business this weekend so I have to think of a good way to repay his deeds when he returns. ;)

OMG I'm so excited!

I havent been happier in months! Ok, so I was estatic at my wedding and when Noah was born but right now I feel so releaved!

I was up last night until 5am...I went to be around 1030-11 but couldnt sleep. While laying in bed with my wonderful husband I asked him to pray about our situation. I want to go home and he doesnt. He told me he wasnt praying for anything other than me feeling better than living here, then he fell asleep and started snoring. Which ticked me off, I cant stand his snoring when I'm upset with him. LOL Any who, I got up and got online, watched some TV and just couldnt get settled enough to sleep. Around 2am Piglet woke up hungry so I had to nurse him. Around 3am I went to lay down...HALF HOUR LATER he woke up again!! I tried to lay down again at 4 but he woke up again! I was finally able to go to sleep at 5am but was woken at a quater to 7 to start all over again.

Any who, while I was awake I emailed him at 1am. I told him how much being here is bothering me and I felt that if he didnt have anything to hold him here than we should go home. Our families are missing our childrens lives and Monkey Face and I are very unhappy. I made a compromise and told him that if he doesnt have steady work by Dec we'd go home. He read the email later and told me I was abandoning him, giving up on his goals and dreams. I was upset with that so we talked about it further and I assured him that I have 100% faith in him and I have no doubt that he can go where ever he wants and make a career. In the end we decided that we can go home!!! Only down side is if he doesnt find steady gigs he wants to join the Army band....which leaves me to be a single mother to two children while he's globe trotting doing his thing. But I guess one hurdle at a time. I cant have everything so I'll be satisfied with what we'll get. I'll continue to pray and trust in God that he'll provide for us.

2 wks post partum

I can add images all day of my adorable children! Especially my new son. I worried, at the begining of my pregnancy, that I wouldnt know how to love a new child. It was just Monkey Face and I for so long that the idea of a new, strange child just didnt seem to fit. But I was SO wrong! He has come in and stole my heart!

In other news I am SO home sick. When I moved out here I looked forward to starting our new life, working towards an ultimate goal that would eventually be a blessing to our family. It was a wonderful adventure! Clay and I drove out here to get him into his dorm...that week was so fun! I went to orientation with him, checked out the campus, got to know the town. It was fun! It was exciting to find "our" 1st apartment. And when we moved in and started living together I couldnt have been happier. At first, for a few months, I didnt miss being away. I was wrapped up in getting settled and I was excited about possiblities. 5-6 months into our "rooting" I started missing family. Not Kissimmee, that wasnt a big deal, but I missed my family. The fact that my brothers fiancee (now wife) was pregnant with their first child didnt help and I blamed my emotions on my OWN pregnancy. The rest of my pregnancy was spent trying to avoid discussing "moving home" as my mother would try to bring it up every time we spoke and I'd cry like a baby. 2 wks after Piglets arrival and I'm crying about it again. How can my kids grow up with out their cousins?! How can my nephew grow up with out his aunt?! He has my sister but, damn it!, I want to be there too! I'm crying again. =(

My wonderful husband has no concept of close-knit family. He lived in Miami, with only his parents, until 10 than moved to Kissimmee. His granparents followed shortly and his cousins were close by, but his folks didnt really interact with them and they lived over an hour away. So there were no Sunday dinners after church, there were no dropping by mid-week to see granma and granpa. Holidays and special occasions is all they got. Even his own parents werent that close. He can go weeks with out talking to them and not be bothered. I on the other hand, get severly annoyed by my mother but I miss seeing her... oddly enough I miss hugging her. I havent done that in years but I miss it now. I miss the smile on my daughters face when she sees "granmaw" and I want my son to be hugged and loved on by his granmaw, aunts and uncle (tears again). I am so torn! I want to be with my family but I have to support my husband. I cant put pressure on him to "hurry up and do it!" if his dreams can only be achieved with time and patiance. But my desperation for my family has made me want to demand he get a move on. Show me a good reason to stay here. Tell me WHY we cant go home, where he can go to another school and still achive his goals but we can be with family and I can stop suffering.