"Normal"

When I was in middle school IF, and thats a big "if", I brought friends to my home I made sure they were solid friends, friends that no matter what wouldnt be scared away and would stick by my side. Because once they walked into my home I had to prep them on how to behave, speak and even where to walk or sit in order not to trigger my mother's embarrassing behavior. She would have out bursts or "flip" for anything and I didnt want that scene when my friends were around. Sadly, my baby sister still has to do that...almost 15yrs later.

As I grew older, into high school, I learned to lean on those friends. I learned to love and cherish my friends fiercely because they represented some sort of "normal" peace. Even if their life was "crap" (like parents smoking weed while preparing dinner for the family, while the kids drank beer) it was better then me dealing with home because at least people were happy and I didnt have to walk on egg shells.

I eventually taught myself (and some of my friends) how to behave in a way that manipulated my mother into being the type of mom I thought of as normal. If I said things or did things a certain way she would act "normal" and I could enjoy a social life which at times included my mother. I loved my mother and I desired a relationship from her but for whatever reason it wasnt there.

So when I got older and tried to rely on my mom I soon realized 1) she was my crutch (as usually develops in dysfunctional relationships) and 2) unlike what I thought was "normal", every assistance came with a price. After high school my friends became more my family then my actual family. Thankfully I have developed a better relationship with my siblings but I still dont have one with my mother.

I have gone from fighting my mom to trying my damndest to have a relationship with her (which entailed alot of bottling of emotions and thoughts), to almost having that relationship to calling the cops on my mom. We are now at a place where I am done. I am done trying to manipulate my mother into being "normal", I am done walking on egg shells, I am done trying to have a relationship. Our relationship is distant, I keep her at arms length, she cant get in: in my life, in my kids life, in my work, in my marriage. If she stays out then I stay out of her life all while occasionally enjoying brief, civil conversation about our mutual love: my children.

But why is it that NOW after all those years of me trying and explaining and arguing that NOW she wants to ask me for a relationship?! Why after all those years of calling me names, hurting me physically and emotionally and basically dropping me on my face to fend for myself when I had no way of doing so(as she did with all my other siblings, currently my poor baby sister)...why now does she think I would give her that?!

I felt bad for years that I wasnt being a "good Christian", I felt like it wasnt right of me to "turn my back on her" I HAD to be the good daughter and suck it up so she could be happy. But I realized that separating myself is not a "bad" thing. I am putting myself in a better position to offer the love of Christ...just not the way she wants it because I'm done.

Its not THAT complicated

Ok, so contrary to my last post it really isnt THAT complicated. I changed my mind, which I am allowed to do since I am a multi-fasited female. I cry and laugh, often at the same time, I rage and feel sad, again, often at the same time. But many things in my life arent really that complicated.

As I mentioned in my previous post, when a woman flat out tells you what she wants you should listen. Putting your own spin on it isnt going to help you. Its going to make you look self-absorbed and uninterested in what she is saying. When she says "I want a day at the spa for my birthday" giving her a Ped Egg isnt the answer. When she says "I wanna go on a date to the theather" going to Pizza Hut and the bowling alley isnt the answer. Give her what she wants or dont give her anything at all.

Now there is something to be said about being gratful for what you get. When you ask for a new purse and dont get a Gucci but get a Gucci knockoff at least he tried. When you ask for flowers and he comes home with a boquet of the $5 roses of the side of the highway, at least he tried. But when a specific request is made and seemingly overlooked by your man presenting a completly differnt item/action/behavior that is when the self-absortion comes in and the man looks like a tool.

Of course this is all my personal opinion, so hopefully my husband will read this, but all those times your wife/girlfriend/mother/lover/chick friend said "just do what I say" or "listen to me and life will be easier" or something along those lines, if you actually did it, you'd be amazed at the results!

Its complicated

Women are complicated. How can we not be?! We create and sustain life, we are maid, nurse, driver, tailor, chef, teacher, banker, counselor, vet, sex-kitten and church mouse. Women do so many things our lives are complicated so are brains are likely to be complicated too.

We talk in code at times "I'm fine" REALLY means "I'm not fine, I'm - - -(fill in the blank: pissed, hurt, sad, tired)"..."Leave me alone" REALLY means "Dont leave me alone! Show me you care"..."Shut up!" REALLY means "Say something to fix what you just broke"...So it makes complete sense when men have no clue what we are talking about, AT TIMES.

There is no excuse when a woman flat out tells you what she needs or wants. Regardless of your thought on the matter, whether her need/want is relavent or not, regarless if you THINK you already did that, regardless of what she may have said 5 minutes ago. When a woman flat out tells you what she wants or needs MAN (this means you) you need to pay attention! With all the hats we wear we typically are not going to ask for help or ask for a need or want to be met by anyone else because we usually just do it ourselves or over look it. So when a woman requests something of you, MAKE IT HAPPEN! This will show your love and self-sacrifice and show her that she is #1 in your heart <3

...it isnt that complicated

Perfect Imperfect 10

As I sit here typing this I'm wearing an over-sized t-shirt with holes and probably a fee stains. My hair hasnt been washed today although, thank God, I was able to shower earlier...although that shower I had to share with my toddler. I'm over weight and have stretch marks, I have a scar from my c-section, my feet arent as nice and smooth as I'd like them to be and the only reason I shaved my legs is because I'm wearing a dress to work tomorrow, other wise that probably wouldnt have happened. I have, what us mothers call, "cottage cheese thighs", my breasts have nursed two babies so they arent as nice as I'd like them to be either. My manicure...well suffice it to say I need one. I usually get the minimum amount of sleep needed to survive so at times I have dark circles under my eyes. My hair isnt long, thick and lushish...

I dont match up to the babes in music videos, movies, magazines or the internet. Sorry I'm imperfect.

I dont have a "mommy"

Around the age of 16, when most teens tend to rebel, I indulged in a lil rebellion of my own. Being a single mother my mom did the best she could. She pulled on family friends to aid her in her distress but being a strong willed il-directed(if thats a word) teen I defied her and the friends. I had my 1st child at 17 and started my own journey in life.

I dont know if I triggered the change or if I just never noticed it before but I slowly realized that my mother and I were very different and I didnt like a lot of what she had to say or what she stood for. She didnt do drugs, abuse alcohol or her children and she wasnt a whore but we just didnt "click". Our relationship was strained at best but after a few years I calmed down, grew up and attempted to accept her as she was/is.

It took some time but I believed I was doing well interacting with her. Fast forward 10-13 years and past more fighting and bickering with her, past my engagement, marriage to and child with my husband and life has continued to be challenging with her. I dont remember the last time I wanted to HUG my mother or CONFIDE in my mother as other daughters (including my own) would. The sad truth is I dont like my mother. I love her because she is my mother, because at one point in my life she was my rock. I respect her for those same facts but there are just many small things that keep me from LIKING my mother.

It saddens me at times that we dont have that. But I feel I have tried my best and maybe my mother feels she has tried her best, but those efforts have not been good enough to make a difference. We are now at a place in our relationship where I have told her to keep at a distance. We can interact at family functions and have civil conversation but do not ask me to go deeper than that because I do not want what comes with it. The fighting and name calling and disrespect and verbal bashing that comes along with a deeper relationship with her is undesirable.

I'm sure that as a mother it hurts her to know that I dont want a connection with her and I dont want her involved with my personal life. I pray that my daughter and I will NEVER deal with that pain. And maybe one day when my mother is older we can over come this current obstacle in our lives. I dont know if that is a possibility. The current depth of relationship is working just fine for me. Seeing her infrequently and cordial conversations is enough that I can enjoy the brief moments and avoid turmoil.

Maybe this will aid us both in learning how to interact with each other better...in the mean time, I have no "mommy"

Day...whatever

Obviously I have slacked off on the Love Dare. It isnt something that seems to be benificial at this point in time. It was a powerful tool when I first discovered it but now we need something else. I'm going to look for a marital bible study for myself.

Day 3

Love Dare - Day 3 Buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking about you today."

Romans 12:10 (New International Version) 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves

Buying something is out of the question today because he is out of the house...even when he does get home I'll be asleep and I'll be broke so this will have to wait for another day

Love dare: Day 2

Day one wasnt tough, as I thought, it was an easy way to start this project...

Day 2: Do at least one unexpected gesture to your spouse as an act of kindness

Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

So when I originally did this dare my focus of this scripture was to BE forgiving...I guess at that time I felt Mr Wonderful had done things that were deserving of forgivness. Now that I re-read the text I see something a little different. In spite of the fact that we ALL need forgivness for our vengful thoughts that are just as bad as murder, our sinful hearts that on a daily basis reject God's word, when we totally ignore God even though He took a beating and died for us...HE still forgives us. So when our spouse has hurtful words, or cold shoulders, or snippy remarks or just lack of interest, WHY than cant we forgive? After all these are minor infractions compared to what we as supposed "Christians" do to the Lord and Savior on a daily basis. Forgivness accompanied by kindness and compassion should be easy for us. Therefore tomorrow, when I get home from work I will do something kind for my husband...he is a "words of affirmation" person so I guess that is what I'll do, shower him with kind words.

long awaited return...

I'm sure its been long awaited by my MASS o' fans ::cricket sound::.....ok maybe not. Either way I have definetly needed to do some writing and not just for educational purposes. Since starting online classes last summer I have had little to no free time to do things I enjoy, I cant tell you the last time I picked up a novel.

So lets see, I have started online classes with AIU, its accelerated learning, its difficult...idk how I like it but it is what it is.

Piglet is now almost 2

Monkey Face is in 6th grade (aaaahhhh!!!!)

Mr Wonderful is still gigging

I have discovered long lost sisters :)

And I called the cops on my mom. Long story which I am not going into detail about right now, it doesnt matter any way!

Any who, I decided to revisit the blog because I miss writing and because I want to restart my Love Dare. It went well the 1st time so I expect it to this time as well. Not that I want to kill my husband or anything ::cough cough:: ;) some things just need refreshing. SO on that note the 1st day (which will start tomorrow) is as follows....

Day 1:"Resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to say nothing at all."

Being that I am perfect (pointed out by Mr Wonderful who happens to be saying it sarcasticly) I shouldnt have a problem with this. I try to not say negative things because 1) I dont want to have to apologize for them (yeah, thats just wrong...) and 2) because hurtful words are pointless. They dont fix anything, in fact they usually break things!

We'll see how this goes...